THE REASONS FOR MY ABSENCE


7 months since my
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This year is just passing by so quickly & unfortunately this time I have to say that time flies when you’re not having fun. I like to believe that I’m quite an optimistic person & despite being a blogger I do like to keep my private life, private. However, a few months has gone by now & it turns out that my absence across my social channels have been quite obvious judging from the amount of related DM’s I’ve received from so many of you. I’m finally ready to express myself a little & share with you some of the events that has happened this year. Also, writing again to thank-you for noticing as well as taking time out of your day to leave me on-going kind messages, it means a great deal to me & I highly appreciate every single one of you who have been & is still supporting me throughout my journey.

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This year was supposed to be a big year full of achievements. 
Getting married, travelling to multiple countries, building new relationships abroad & creating greater content so that I can build on it before starting a family at the end of the year.

Although, I only got to achieve one from the list it was still indeed a big year. The rest of the list had to be shredded to pieces & flushed down the drain. Yes, it’s been quite that dramatic. My life took a sudden turn at the start of this year & kind of went downhill since LOL I can finally talk about it now because I’m with a healthier mindset. The ugly truth though, my partner & I can’t even have a normal lifestyle anymore let alone, an ideal lifestyle.

Life changed quite dramatically due to a number of events that has happened over the past few months. The first one being I got married earlier this year to my partner of 9 years & I can genuinely say that it doesn’t feel that long at all. Unfortunately, what was meant to be a happy time for us became a very traumatic period as a family member from my partner’s side of the family fell into coma & was later diagnosed with brain injury. This happened just about a month before our wedding & slowly everything fell apart from there. As soon as we found out about the brain injury followed by a series of bad-worst news, our spirits pretty much died. The entire mood for celebration vanished so we ended up cancelling both the bucks & hens weekend. There were also on/off decisions of postponing/cancelling wedding so I had to cancel/re-book services. The thought of having a honey moon or travelling anywhere was no longer appropriate. We basically had to scratch out all of the plans that we were so looking forward to & it was simply too much to process at the time.

With strong hopes against the bad news after bad news, we had received we developed a routine where we took shifts to be in the hospital every day/night leading up to & long after the wedding. This drained us & it wasn’t long until we became both physically & mentally exhausted. I slowly drifted away from my blogger duties where I was no longer attending events, closed off my blog & stopped accepting jobs from brands because I simply had no time, energy nor resource (FYI my partner is my photographer) to produce the required content. I felt like my passion was fading & so I started to feel very disconnected from who I was. I mean both my partner & myself were spending more time at the hospital than we were at home. My partner took months off work whereas my daily routine became going to my other work then straight into the hospital so we were eating plenty of unhealthy takeaways. I started to gravitate away from the healthy lifestyle I once had & I certainly didn’t want to share that side of my life so that was when you started to see less & less of me on socials. My partner & I didn’t see much of each other also. Our times spent in-out of the hospital really affected us as individuals & as a couple. The only time we did see each other was 1) switching shifts at the hospital, 2) rushed meals together & 3) before bedtime (occasionally). It was easier for me to take a step back & tried to think more positively about our circumstances thanks to the support of our friends & family. However, it was not the same for my partner. He was so invested in being with this family member 24/7 that he lacked sleep, did not have time to eat properly, was consistently looking up how to treat brain injury patients every chance he had & was overstressed all the time. Not to mention, there were a number of “family” members that really made the situation more so difficult due to their lack of consideration towards the matter. It was hurtful, disappointing & frustrating when you have to associate with those who disappoint you on a regular basis. I mean even our friends near/far showed us more care & support than those we call our “family”.

Our
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Thought you had missed out on the posts about my wedding? You certainly did not because I never shared any from the event. You can really tell from the photos that we were quite broken on our once in a lifetime day which is one of the reasons why I didn’t share any of the photos from that day with you all. The others being, we weren’t happy with how it came together.

My partner & I both have a Vietnamese heritage so the dream of having a modern, intimate.. you know just simple, fun, pleasant to remember & look good in photos kind of wedding can be beyond reach due to cultural clashes. For a second there we thought that it would be somewhat negotiable, but we were kidding ourselves really. My dad has always been very supportive of modern ways, but trying to convince both our mums & uncles of accepting such terms was like pitching an overvalued idea in exchange for a ridiculous funding on Shark Tank. It was instant rejection left, right & center! We can both laugh about it now, but believe me a few months ago we were incredibly upset by this. We ended up going forward with many things we didn’t agree to;

Changes to our initial traditional gowns that we had tailored from overseas because the colours were not traditional enough

Catering to exceeding number of unknown last minute guests

Wearing a dress I picked out a few hours before the reception that I wasn’t comfortable with purely for the sake of it being “custom that the bride wears a different dress for the cutting of the cake”

Last minute changes to seating arrangements which caused so much confusion

Being positioned in a corner for just over 1.5 hrs for guests to take photos with the bride & groom upon arrival because “it’s Asian custom for the bride & groom to do this”

Having an Asian band playing Asian music to cater to certain guests

The list goes on.. It was like we were puppets. FYI I have OCD when it comes to order & not to mention I’m a perfectionist which means I spot faults quicker than anything so you can imagine my level of stress over my lack of control LOL. As the evening was well off schedule we didn’t get to spend time with our guests because by the time we were relieved from our bride & groom duties everybody was either leaving or drunk. I’m over the moon that everyone had a good time, it was just a shame that we as the bride & groom didn’t. I had a moment to myself in the change room at the end of the night feeling very relieved that the event was over & at the same time feeling miserable that I felt that way on my special day. To top it off, I was told that most of our family-friends thought that I was an ugly bride that evening. I guess not even makeup was enough to cover up how I felt inside. This was meant to be a happy time & yet I have spent most of the days leading up to the wedding, crying.. & the days after the wedding, crying. Just silly thinking about it now really. Something I never want our children to have to experience in their lifetime.

You’re probably wondering why on earth did we not just go & do things our way. That was the initial plan, but it turned out to be easier said than done. Being the children of your parents, the nephew/niece of your uncles & aunties yada yada.. you never want to disappoint or disrespect them & our hearts are big on that which in this case meant we had to proceed with cultural obligations. In the process of not wanting to let our families down we let ourselves down instead. Not to mention the circumstances we were in caused exhaustion in us so we developed a “giving in” attitude towards all wedding plans. Also, my mum had to take on extra responsibility in preparation for the wedding as my partner’s side was unable to cope with the stress at the time so I compromised a lot because I really did appreciate her more then & there.

Our fight continued long after the wedding & when we thought things were just getting better, another obstacle arises & then round & round we go. Through all this sadness there are things that really do bring me comfort. One is having supportive friends/family which was so important as they have constantly listened to our every struggle, provide comfort & mended us at times where we were completely broken. The other is being married to my partner of 9 years. My family didn’t have much throughout my childhood, but they always tried their best to give me what other parents gave to their children which is typical of your parents right? Unfortunately, my partner had a very abnormal upbringing & he didn’t quite get the same treatment. You know, while normal teenagers were in bed at night he was working at a chicken factory to assist his mum with finance before going to school every morning with no lunch nor pocket money. We grew up around the same period, yet there are so many products & places that you & I would be very familiar with that he has absolutely no clue of because he missed out on a normal childhood. If you script his life into a movie it would really be a hit. This is why I have great admiration for the person he has become because I don’t think I could remain this strong & caring after having to go through so many what shall I call it.. “shit”. Never once a selfish thought, always putting others before himself, & forever determined & devoted to loved ones.

It’s been a quite a year & it’s time for our own happiness again, I think we deserve it LOl. A few weeks ago we found out about my pregnancy which really gave us a chance to have a normal life as a couple again. Though, not every family member was pleased about this news which was quite upseting, but not surprising for us. Just a time to let go & look beyond the bad vibes for a new beginning.

Now you’re updated on my absence! Believe me, this was the cleaner, short version LOl Hope you all have had a better year than I have.

Oufit Details
Necklace from Factorie, Top by Luvalot Clothing, Jacket from Zara, Denim by Wakee Denim & Shoes by Novo

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